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This creative and conversational memoir style of blogging is embellished with photographs, sprightly texts, and gentle listening features. May these entries be as cathartic to read & to hear as they have been to conceive & to share. xo
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4/27/2019 Not Where We Thought: The Pain in Growth
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-- I feel
hollow.
hollow.
 | I am troubled by how unaffected I am by Mother Gaia's progress surrounding me. ;progress I typically long to see --protruding with symbols of my own existence. |
Crawling into the barrenness for more understanding
unveils unexpected metaphors
that feel more honest to this season in life:
pain companions growth
& growth can look much different than anticipated.
The beauty of this time of year tends to overshadow
the efforts and anguish that make the beauty possible.
the efforts and anguish that make the beauty possible.
Lifeforce takes tremendous exertion
and is habitually laced with aches, failures & disappointments.
and is habitually laced with aches, failures & disappointments.
 How taxing can it be for the grasses to s t r e t c h from their rest? | What fighting did it take for the sprout to breakthrough its branch?  |
 | What of the seeds and blossoms that had to die for others to survive?  |
| Or the universes of growth that will never come to be.  The rains that might leave more bruises than nourishment. |  |
 | My personal growth journey has its own equinox beauty not without the accompaniment of inner fighting, visible bruises, and heart level pains. Pain lurks, too, within grieving my failures as fallen blossoms, and mourning the unrealized seeds of my latent dreams. Knowing there are the universes of myself that have not come to be, and might never come to be; disenchanted with the some of the universes that are. |
So, as Spring flagrantly outstretches her branches and unclentches her flora to greet me,
she brushes against my own perceived lack of progress.
Where Spring has naturally been a time to internalize the beauty of growth around me:
doting the possibilities
for the person I am growing to be,
the person I want to become;
this Spring I sit solemnly with
the person I no longer am,
the person I thought I would be,
the person I hoped I would be,
the person I might never be,
the person I will never be,
the person my intuition calls me to be, and I am not
--at least not yet.
This is not a pessimistic paradigm, nor an abandonment of aspirations,
but rather a grieving, and loving, acceptance of how growth deviates
--and the beautiful calamity of that deviation.
 | My molted blossoms and seeds take on the flesh of my younger selves. Poking, pinching, and cupping my face they frisk to find the self they had so dreamed of. We chatter over the lavished fantasies we had for our life: who we would be by now, what adventures we would have in our pockets, what impacts we would have made upon the world, and it simply is not so. Aches, disappointment, and humility color that resignation. I may not be the woman we had always hoped for, and I am blossoming into a person we did not know I could become. As we wipe the tears from each others' eyes, I gather the inner children to speak of what adventures we have known, what lives-not worlds-we have impacted (as well as the lives that have impacted ours), and who we have become because of the alteration of our fantasies; the pains that blossom to a different kind of beauty. |
Again, I greet Spring,
my younger selves and us all
who feel the pain of our dying blossoms, who shed tears over our unrealized seeds, who fight to sprout, or who have been become bruised by the rains. I greet
us
with a warm encouragement to grieve, love, and accept the universes within ourselves that have not come to be, might never come to be, and those that have become. And when we brush by the reminders of not arriving to our fantasies, may we remind one another that we have, and are, progressing towards other universes of growth we never dreamt were possible.
| If you would like to listen to a recording of this post at a later time, please download the following file. | 
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4/10/2020 03:01:11 am
Growth also comes with a lot of pain. I think that people need to realize just how important it is to truly live life to its fullest. If you are too afraid of growing and changing, then you will also remain inside that tiny box that you are in. I am thinking of maybe using my influence to help others face their fears of change. I hope that I can be a person who helps others, just like what you are doing.
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