Weeks of Weakness: Pains of Splitting from Dualistic Thinking

Hi Friends,

I was walking through Holiday Park last Friday after one of the longest weeks I've felt the strains of in awhile,



& I saw these guys...

I could not help but feel the sameness.

All the weight on my head, 
all the tired in my muscles,
all the exhaustion on my face.

It was exam week....
I must say, I was worried I might die from sleep deprivation --
I don't think I remember my eyes being so bloodshot in so long!
So much to do!
to adsorb!
& far too much to distract myself with...  
                                                                                oh the ease of procrastination.
I like to think that the time of procrastination was the time well spent of taking the lessons of the classroom to everyday life application. 

If you guys can't already tell by my "uniqueness" in writing style, the academic structure is not always my favorite--or my strong suit.

Despite the running around like a crazy person--in body, mind, and/or spirit for about 168 hours of my life -- I take refuge in the masses of self/existential comprehension bestowed upon me in such a time, no matter how much more it might have added to the crazy making...

Part of my mind running was not out of concerns for my academic achievement as much as  it was consumed with my thoughts about my longing for academic achievement and/or personal perfection/fear of rejection...

I would keep myself up at night with these thoughts more than I would with what grade I was to get on the test. I must have I thought about starting --at least-- 5 others postings, with  about 10 other topics cycling through (relationships like water,  the rush, acceptance(?), working with that flow of life, the personification of emotions, we are form and spirit of something, perfectionism; the list could go on....).

Much like last weeks bleep about the frames, without the frame work of this school, I would not be observing the fears within. The more I am in conflict -- the more growth emerges.

Growth is not in-spite of the pressures, its because of.

The more shared experiences with my follow human --
be them over the stress of exams,
long projects,
or pondering on love--of self, others, God--
the more I realize I'm not alone in my proverbial holding of stones.

How easy I forgot this  struggle is shared and that the sun and her hope has been close by all along.

Without the weight to bear, sadly, I see where for me, my motivation to seek or to find solace in companionship would be lesser. This displays that both our joy and sorrow are never mutually exclusive. There is a hypothetical unwavering partnership among what-feels-like-blessings and what-feels-like-curses.
They are a team for one's personal exploration. And within experiencing their kinship in my own game-of-personal-questing, I am reminded how that only in building my own team of relationships, can I more readily and wholly play with that conceptual yin/yang of highs and lows.

Perfect timing to begin reading the Tao Te Ching again too -- bless you, World Religions class:

"Under heaven all can see beauty as beauty only because
        there is ugliness.
All can know good as good only because there is evil.

Therefore having and not having arise together.
Difficult and east complement each other;
Long and short contrast each other;
Voice and sound harmonize each other;
Front and back follow one another.

Therefore the sage goes about doing nothing, teaching
         no-talking.
The ten thousand things rise and fall without cease,
Creating, yet not possessing,
Working, yet not taking credit.
Work is done, then forgotten.
Therefore it lasts forever."

I could attempt to tie this all into my much more of my of my thoughts from this last week, more of my studies from Buddhism this week, but if you cannot tell, my brain is still fried a bit from the intellectual and emotional explosions. The theoretical weight  can be lifted, but doesn't mean the stones are still heavy, come on now!

Until soon:
build those teams,
bear those stones--there is light behind them, and others beside you--
remember, all is the same; all will pass.  

love you.