For longer than I would actually like to say, I’ve had my loose leaf teas
wrapped up, tucked away, and remorsefully, out of reach. 
I would bring them out for the occasional steep--usually on one of my drink-more-tea-kicks--
​or to have a teapot ​or two with company.
​

I truly hope you are thriving, friends.
But if you are one of the many to just be surviving this year,
I hope you have found, or will find, whatever it is that helps to get to the next moment, with whatever amount of gratitude that can be mustered; whatever it is that might assist you in getting closer to the precious-and-yet-circumstantially-distant parts of yourself​ and your life
​that this year may have created.

​
​
​I hear and read these same sentiments echoed for George Floyd
and all the Sacred Black Bodies who have been senselessly murdered
by our cruelty, brutality, and inaction.

And I shake her hand with ambivalence.

​

-- I feel 
​​
hollow.​
​

​​​
​​​Again, I greet Spring,
my younger selves and us all 
who feel the pain of our dying blossoms, who shed tears over our unrealized seeds, who fight to sprout, or who have been become bruised by the rains. I greet
​us
 with a warm encouragement to grieve, love, and accept the universes within ourselves that have not come to be, might never come to be, and those that have become. And when we brush by the reminders of not arriving to our fantasies, may we remind one another that we have, and are, progressing towards other universes of growth we never dreamt were possible.

​

​
​Whichever hardened, fluid, or paradoxical state
you find yourself in this season, my dears,
may this time be your companion, and your mirror,
to your own evolution and healing. 
​

So, here I am
with a microphone, some sound accessories, and
a great deal of uncertainty.
Uncertainty of methodology,
uncertainty of direction,
uncertainty of outcomes,
but a great deal of assurance in my willingness to endeavor. 
 A great deal of assurance is also found in the rich symbolism of vocal practice
--but let's save that write up for a different day.



Here's to the nudges & the willingness to be nudged.
Here's to participating in another prized form of creation & expression.
May you follow your nudges & proclivities,
my friends. 

 I feel you,
you deflated swathe of snow.

That sunken,   d  r  a  w  n   ,wrinkled bundle of flakes
depicts the state of my heart over the previous week.

sick,
sagging;
a    c r a w l i n g    lurch.

I have been violated.

I will not speak to what exactly,
or how.
I am still too embarrassed;
too nauseated.
Still completely enraged and in utter disbelief that conscious baring individuals may not own a conscious at all.   
Still devastated to have fallen victim to humans' capacity to reave absolute strangers of their processions,
their dignity--and so, so much more.


I am safe.
I am healthy.
And although the trauma is mild,
the trauma now occupies the crevasses of where my confidence and self-trust once resided.

                 My wounded pride will heal                 

with time,

but the initial devastation of this event, I anticipate, may be somewhat kindred to my soul being forcibly scraped from the walls of my body.

Question marks have become further artillery to bruise my ego.
How could I have allowed this to happen?
Why did I not stop this at every chance I had?
How did I become so detached from reality?
. . .
Such questions are futile and undue, and yet answers find a way.

Fear is vexing.

And to be honest,
my spirit has felt listless for sometime.

Recent years of academic conditioning in symphony with practicing the daily grind of adulthood held me hostage from my own intuition.

As I take in the cool,
flat,
wintry haze,
I witness the closest depiction of what my outlook on life has grown to be.

Through this fog,
the treasure to be found within this injustice emerges:
By part of my humanity being robbed from me by another, I can now know the magnitude of my own humanity that I have been robbing from myself.

My good friend--and partner's mother--has created for me a beautiful and indispensable gift. 
This painting is a representation of what she sees in me,
& who she believes I am.

She has entitled it,
Awakened
.
 For that I felt both undeserving,
and challenged to embody the wakeful strength that Patty experiences of me--
that I believe has been burrowed in me
somewhere.

Beware of what you ask for from Life, my friends.
Approaching 2019, I've meditated on embracing my personal power
--my Awakened being--
and to that, Life retorted:
"To grasp how powerful you are, you must acknowledge how impermissible you have allowed your power to become."

This personal travesty has been a process of remembering
my Self,
my power,
and to recognize to what degree I have forgotten them both.

This is an opportunity to Awaken the sleeping spirit of mine.

​Tears of gratitude have far outweighed tears of grief,
thankfully so!

I feel the tingles of my sentience again.
The shame,
pain,
outrage,
& sorrow are ruthless animals that could only be contained
by many a loved ones who have been present to
hold me,
uplift me,
share with me,
and fight for me in the fiery throws.

Authentic acts of kindness and full-bodied conversations--
brimming with encouragement,
grace,
and generosity--
have filled my lungs with even richer breath
than that which had been taken from me.

And with reclaimed breath,
I can again speak.

It has been nearly four years since my last post--reluctantly, yet purposely so.
With the nature of my work, I chose to refrain from airing my vulnerabilities on public platforms.
This week (and this incident) has heralded to me that personal expression--with dear friends, new friends, and within my writing--was, and continues to be,
a ritual that helps my world to seem less cool,
less flat,
less a haze.
Expression as a ritual of remembering what I have left dormant within;
a ritual of preventing the continuation of living with a
hibernating soul
& disheveled heart;
a ritual of washing my worldview with more enthusiasm,
more expansiveness,
more clarity,
so that the emotional gravity of tragic incidents might serve other purposes than these.


May you live out the rituals that orient you back to yourselves.
Be watchful, wakeful, & expressive, my darlings.
Missed you all.

The leaves are slowly changing, my friends.

I feel like they need to catch up with my pace.

The last few years I've embraced a simple, intentional, and slow paced way of life, and has remained an over arching goal of mine.
Waking when I've received enough sleep. 
Walks with no distinct destination.
Listening for that inner voice to prompt my next activity.
Running into a friend at the unplanned-yet-ideal time to collect hugs,
to really listen,
to really see,
to pass on a good word.
and get encouraged to see the next divine intervention.

Living with a greater amount of flexibility and openness allows for the gift of time:
for what comes,
and who needs
what time I can give.

And now what has come is a lot of school,
and homework,
and work,
and people,
but not a lot of true time with those people,
and not a lot of true time  for my  people:
roommates I haven't seen in days,
friends and family I haven't seen or spoke with in weeks,
friends and family I haven't called back in months -- you know who you are ;] .

My heart hurts to think of it.

The "what comes" for me are often quality time, spirit, and person focused,
so when the less engaging paper and task focused "what comes" present themselves instead, a part of me feels like it dies a little.

I struggle with this temptation towards guilt, and those ever present questions:
Is sacrificing the greater numbers of  the little moments of intentionality during this grad-school sized span of time worth the ultimate outcome?
Do I have to choose between mindfulness with people and mindfulness with studies or is both possible?

Thich Naht Hanh recently posted:
"It is possible to live twenty-four hours a day in a state of love.
Every movement, every glance, every thought, and every word can be
infused with love."

As idealistic as it seems, I like to believe that it is possible.

I rest on the Lama's reminders too:
Life is suffering
and our purpose is happiness.

Coincidental timing, we are studying self care in my Ethics course, as well. -- I do really love my school and program. Wick, author of The Resilient Clinician, proclaims our role as a counselor is to be a safe space for our clients, and to be that is not possible without personal reverence and self care protocol. He poses questions to have the reader inquire on what practices and reflection we can fold into our lives to allow us to usher in more joy, balance, and peace; to sustain that wholly and effect personhood: "safe space" counselor and beyond.

I am on the bandwagon of these believers
that happiness begets happiness,
and peace begets peace.
So I did some of those slow paced life things which make me happy
and give me some peace of mind Friday--
for the sake of self and hopefully, eventually, the sake of others.

I even got to run into some unexpected friends along the way,
getting to collect some hugs and good words!

Oh,
To really look.
To really listen.
To really smell.
To really taste.
To really touch.
To really feel.
To really think.
To really breathe.
To really start listening to the inner voice--
that internal compass helps to maneuver,
and to start writing this guy.

So whether this read gives you a little joy-- if you can relate to the  sentiments in some regard -- but, if nothing else, hopefully some of you in close proximity will benefit by me just getting this off my chest. I already feel like I can exude a little more love again and think to whisper a little something nice into a mocha. (You can get that mocha at Bee Coffee Roasters sometimes ;] !)  Until next, do some things that bring you some peace and joy.
The feeling spreads. xo

Website, cards, pamphlets,  flyers, presentations, event preparations,
art festival and grant applications...

(If you guys don't know of it or see me post on it -- 5x5 is a grant program which awards an idea --corresponding to the given theme-- $10,000 to bring it to fruition.)

Despite the blog title, you guys would have probably figured I would have a different spin on this post if I would have been the winner, but it was just awesome to be chosen for the finalist along with two other friends (one of them being the winner!) and knowing all the projects were more than worthy (click the 5x5 link above to read more about them all - E.N.G.I.N.E was the pick!)!

I take scrap boards and salvaged materials I find,
neglected art supplies donated or purchased
and people’s sentimental-throw-aways – mementos that we keep around and don’t know what to do with – those drawers of cards and letters,  concert tickets, photos, incense ashes-- I’m willing to play with anything!

Just starting up the business side of things
I do not have any of commission pieces to show you,
but I do have some of my own.

The one left, the black one,
contain birthday cards from my mom,
newspaper articles I really liked from Branches and Nuvo,
and spices from a woman who was like my grandma.

In the middle
are actually horoscopes of mine and an ex’s that I would read all the time

and the last is made of pamphlets
from the array of religious services I’ve attended
-she’s my multifaith piece.

As I’ve continued this practice, its really evolved on itself,
as I not only wanted to including people’s things but people’s thoughts
and to including a spectrum of people in on this practice –
because I believe art is for everyone.

So I had this vision of creating Large Abstract [re]Purposed Mediation pieces   -- like those that you saw before --
but instead of people’s mementos being used as the texture, the work would be made of people’s written out meditations, contemplations, prayers.
Hopes,
dreams,
fears,
documenting them of course before they undergo the encapsulation process, and having the final abstract piece be made available to the public
for anyone who desires to sit in front of and reflect on life;
perpetuating this rhythm of mindfulness. 

But to create these pieces -- and not to just have huge scrap wood standing around my house -- I actually need to collect people’s thoughts.

This is where the mailboxes comes in…

So for 5x5  I am hoping to work with Spirit and Place or the Peace Learning Center, to create Contemplation Submission Stations
where people can take the receipts from their pockets,
and the scrap papers from their purse
and write down whatever is on their heart that they need to get out--
praises or frustrations,
gratitudes or confessions --
like an Indianapolis Post Secret almost!

We can convert old mailboxes or create boxes out of scrap materials in some distinguishable way and place them in already reflective areas within the city.
Tacking some to bus stops,
standing mailboxes outside our favorite coffee shops
and parks;
along the canal,
on the backs of benches,
around the circle – on back of recharge stations maybe even!

Possibly even finding the old pay phones which have been discontinued and equipping them to be a standing place to write down those things on the heart.

Working even to ask the USPS if there are official mail boxes that aren’t being used which we can convert. 

And maybe not supported by this 5x5, but later I imagine building on this idea where we convert abandoned spaces we have around downtown into Contemplative Spaces

homes for the Meditation pieces I create
and the books of documented prayers which the art is comprised of,  
that are open at all times,
for all people,
to sit and reflect,
maybe write down more of their own
thoughts,
hopes,
dreams,
fears,
for the sake of themselves,
and for the sake of creating future meditation pieces to come.

These places may even have their own functioning mailboxes,
where people who are not always around the downtown area can have
an address to send in their thoughts to.

And I’ve thought about fashioning a more internet savvy way of submitting our thoughts with some of the funding

– which there is already available some spots on my website for such –

But possibly constructing an application for peoples phones.
--And this is still a possibility--

But in the dire need for sacred space from our constant blazing-all-over-the-place-westernized-functioning selves,
I’m skeptical that the pre-paperless-still-resource-utilizing option of an application would be set apart from the millions of other times we are sucked into that distracting world of our cell phones and computers.  

With the overtly connected way our technology allows for us to be with everything going on out there,

we soooo forget

–I so forget--

to connect with what is going on
in here

—within myself–

within ourselves.


A loose translation for the Gnostic Gospels reads:

“Let out what is inside of you,
for what is inside of you will save you.”

So if you do nothing else for this project tonight,
Take out a piece of paper,
-- there are some scraps at my table if you need--
and jot down whatever is inside of you today
and turn it into the mail box.

There she was!

Might not be $10,000 closer to projects happening,
but feels a step closer to something!

I was actually a little intimidated with the big projects happening so soon in the process!
I haven't even gotten a chance to start on commissions & was mourning the thought of missing out on those -- whenever those do start coming around. 

Hope you keep your eye on your donuts too! 
And keep sharing what is inside of you,
even if it is through the distracting world of your phones and computers :]
Love you.

Ahhhhhhh,
Everything is blooming,
and radiant,
and smelly --  only the best of kinds!
(Well maybe not my sweaty feet that I'm actually using more to walk again. Tmi? ;] )
Ah, but my eyes, my nose, my  ears...
I can't get enough of it all!

It was a tough winter,
on Indiana's stomping grounds,
her residents,
and for many of us, in all those personal ways--physically, emotionally, spiritually.

I've been climbing out of my own ruts the last few months, but noticed a sharp alivening within the last few weeks.

We have Tulips?!
I had no idea we had tulips!

... the seemingly dead...

  ...to suddenly alive!

And same for those non-tulip flowers that pop up in just the right conditions.

That got me thinking about That Thing--
that essence--
within each of us too,
resting and invisible
(sometimes),
until just the right conditions allow for
That Thing to peculate, then externalize the most inward activity-- the life blood -- which only seems to be dormant from those noticing from the outside. 

Mother Earth, you make me feel understood.
Thank you, Spring.

Sometimes to be seen as so stagnant--maybe by others, but mostly by self--the new plant life reminds me that the "new" was really never new, but a continuation of that something deeper which has been going on within all along;
that something resting, attempting to emerge, or in this case, for me, feels like it has emerged over the last few weeks.

Taking a many months of the peculating to get there, of course.
Not to say its going to be sticking for crazy long either ( personal winters don't usually follow a predictable cycle). 

This talk of essence was taken to broader levels in Group Psych last week, when we talked about the spiritual meter within a group.

           My professor quoted Banard McGinn definition of spirituality as:
                               
"The humanward side of faith".

Its That Thing-- below the surface
of the dogmas,
doctrines,
creeds,
boundary of theological language.
The participation with that essence that is in me, allows me to talk to you about that essence which is in you, despite what differing doctrines or thinkers who  opened up our mind and heart to get towards that deeper vocabulary and spiritual practice in the first place. We all stew in our own simultaneously heavy and light-baring existential thoughts! A community of people who can share the same words and approach to living which allow us to reach to our inner core is so important, but
WE ALL have it-- that inner core.
We all have it.

I discovered in World Religions Tuesday Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel backs up this same way of thinking:

"The religions of the world are no more self sufficient, no more independent, no more isolated than individuals or nations.
We are all involved with one another."

Crossing over to theologically speak, most religions, in one form or another, would hold this belief of a "More", shared and base, within all things: 

Hinduism:
Namaste- "I see the God in you" or "I honor the place in you where spirit live".
Christianity :
Christ within you.
Buddhism:
All's true Buddha Nature.
Mystical Judaism:
The Divine Spark in us all.
Lakota Tribe:
Mitakuye Oyasin, "All are related".
Sufism:
"You and the other are One".
(and you guys might know one of my current favorites by now)
Taoism :
The Inextinguishable light is within everything.


     I understand this is a favorite topic for some of you loved ones, and a very touchy one for others.
                                                                                                                                                                   Stick with me.

And part of that vocation is the way of being supportive, DESPITE all differences of values or belief systems. Besides, there is no need for force of beliefs, if we trust that God is present, and has the capacity to function beyond human language,
doctoral statement,
or legalistic labeling of God and God's Characteristics.

Someone might have been harmed in the name of God, and can no longer feel true peace from such a name. Does that mean they are not experience or obtain their own human sanctity any longer? No!! (I'd say).
We all have different defenses and triggers for those defenses but all are caused by a common human experience of pain. My professor put it perfectly,

Why is it so much easier to forget to see the Divine when belief systems are the topic at hand? A warm and available presence is needed just as readily, if not more within the potentially vulnerable and isolating topics. Topics which ironically were originally constructed to remind humanity that we are not alone.
That we are all of the same substance,
We are all peculating--
if only on the invisible inside.

Heschel would continue to say:

That which we do to the other, we do to ourselves.
"You and the other are One", as the Sufi says.
I say this all sheepishly realizing, I might come off as spiritually betraying some of you. These all are beliefs in themselves, which many disagree with. And, despite the soapbox feel to this message, I am not trying to sway anyone.

The main hope for me, as we touched on in Group too, is to take the blossoming of spirit and keep weaving it into the daily actions. Our spirits should be more about what we do than what we say/think we are-- how we treat ourselves,
our relationships,
our world,
and others around us.
::Gulp::

Grace, to me, and to any when we aren't being the avatar for our spiritual body.
(& Lord knows how sadly frequent missing that mark is the case for me..)

As painful as it is, I'm discovering through the times I'm actually willing to face my faults the act frees a little part of me, and makes room for others to try the same.  I suspect this counseling program has a secret agenda for students' outcomes being to expedite our blooming process; to open us up to our essence  by piercing through our darkness, so that we might be able to create a type of rootedness within ourselves--
as humans,
as counselors.
This then has the ability to create just the right condition for others,
our patients,
our relationships,
our world,
so that they might do the same (Let the spirit bubble up and out,
and when they have feel secure enough, sync spirit with the external actions so to become that safe environment for others).

The sun is totally the only guy I would ever have an open relationship with!
I will let him kiss me all day & will only be completely ecstatic for you if you allow him to do the same to you   ;]

xxxxxx

I’ve been struggling within “The Cursing of the Fig Tree” stories throughout the Synoptic Gospels (Matthew, Mark , Luke) we are going over in New Testament . 

Even bought some dried figs for the occasion!

Within two of the three gospels, the Jesus portrayed, and his actions witnessed, finds me with a face a bit shriveled like my figs. I figured this would be a good comparison to wrestle with for my New Testament Project.
   

How could Jesus be so ...           
                ...not compassionate? !

And to a tree? !

A sentient being only abiding by its nature!

And in Mark it reads, its not even the season!

And Jesus makes it barren!!!

Come on, Jesus! Isn’t that your fault for not preserving the figs when they were in season?! Or prepping food before you left?! Can’t you trust the Father to provide for you elsewhere without taking out your anger on some old or not-in-season trees?!

My defenses are up, if you couldn’t tell.
And I realize this is because,
I make myself the tree.
I see myself as the being Jesus is giving up on;
the one Jesus is cursing, because I might not be in my most flourishing of seasons.

Then I remember that to the original New Testament audience would look at these passages with different eyes than my own.

           To start, the nature of the Gospels are not simply a tool for my own spiritual discernment--while some would argue they have the ability to be used as such-- the texts are stories of the man of Jesus and their testament to him being Messiah, Christ, Savior, Son of God, Son of Man, or Son of Human (as some scholars would suggest being more accurate).  All familiar, yet packed, titles suggesting a variety of interpretations: person fulfilling the prophecy set forth in Torah; a person being of the same substance of God, embodying the will of God (suggested within the Gospel of John within the Septuagint); a new political/prophetic/social ruler. 

            These narratives tell the story of Jesus’ life in story form so to reveal the nature of his character. To the people of his first century time and culture, narratives were not about factual accuracy, as much as they were accumulated tales that described a person’s character. For example, a person would know little about the nature of my personality and belief systems by knowing my birthday, or what events occurred on my birthday, or the town I grew up in, where I went to school, what job positions I’ve had, etc. Knowing and describing a person within these ancient texts, is also regarded much differently than many of us today,  submerged within our own psychological worlds. A person was not known for what the person thought, but what they said, and by what the person did.

           And Jesus kills a tree, because he was hungry and it did not provide fruit for him! I don't care what superiority title he gets, that does not seem to correspond well with the peace-seeking, unlimited forgiveness proclaiming Jesus I have come to understand. "Lame", was one of my first thoughts.

So, I dug into the texts in the logical, more contextual way...

The ones I had the most difficulty with, the two titled,
“Jesus Cursing the Fig Tree”:

Matthew 21:18-19:
“In the morning, when he returned to the city, he was hungry. And seeing a fig tree by the side of the road, he went to it and found nothing at all on it but leaves. Then he said to it, ‘May no fruit ever come from you again!’ And the fig tree withered at once.”

Mark 11:12-14:
“ On the following day, when they came from Bethany, he was hungry. Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to see whether perhaps he would find anything on it. When he came to it, he found nothing but leaves, for it was not the season for figs. He said to it, ‘May no one ever eat fruit from you again.’ And his disciples heard it.”

The more version,or so I thought, within
Luke 13:6-9
--classic parable-happy Luke--Jesus is not actually the display-er of the cursing himself, but uses the method of Parable.
“Then he told this parable: ‘A man had a fig tree planted in his vineyard; and he came looking for fruit on it and found none. So he said to the gardener, “See here! For three years I have come looking for fruit on this fig tree, and still I find none. Cut it down! Why should it be wasting the soil?” He replied, “Sir, let it alone for one more year, until I dig round it and put manure on it. If it bears fruit next year, well and good; but if not, you can cut it down.”

        Almost all of my frustrations seemed to be reconciled within Luke's version. Having the curse not come from the hands and lips of Jesus; recognition of the tree's potential infertility; yet still giving a chance for yielding --with the manure and some time-- this version is a sigh of relief--at first glance! The section is even titled, “The Parable of the Barren Fig Tree” presupposing that the tree is already not yielding fruit, and can't seem to help but not doing so.

          Within the suspected-to-be-first of the gospels of Mark, one will tend to find a more earthy, Gentile focused version of Jesus apparent. According to Harper Collins Study Bible, the fig tree passage is one of five controversial stories of this gospel regarding Jesus and the religious authorities. Jesus followers from Jewish roots would have understood the symbolism of fig tree deriving from the symbolism within Jeremiah 8:13, a text upon the judgment of the unrepenting nation of Israel, especially pointed towards the priest, prophets and their wayward actions:  

         This connection of conflict with authorities reinforced within the structure of the Scripture as the “Cursing of the Fig Tree” is sandwiched between “Jesus’s Triumphal Entry into Jerusalem”and “The Cleansing of The Temple” in Mark's text. This is a similar set up in Matthew, only the “Cursing of the Fig Tree" trails the tails of the Messiah’s entry and cleansing of the temple. Seemingly less glamorous, the entry within Mark speaks to the disregard leaders have for this holy man. The cleansing of the temple following the cursed tree is a more direct representation of the aggression Jesus takes out on the tree, as people of this century would have seen the connection between the fig tree, a holy tree, and the holy temple. The withering of one was the withering of the other, and the fruits might also signify the stagnant/fruitless actions of the authorities.

          The more palatable excerpt, of not being the season for the fruits collates with the theme of divine timing (kairos)  used throughout the book of Mark may even be suspect for the person missing their opportunity more than a kind of heavenly blinders placed upon them. Kairos is said to be God's appointed time set in place for specific events and miracles to come to fruition, first mentioned in Mark 1:15. The tree not being in season, suggests this was not the anointed time for the leaders of the nation to realize the nature of Jesus as Christ, relinquishing a kind of personal responsibility from these authorities,  or, as Biblical Scholar Elizabeth Struthers Malbonmuch suggests, the authorities had neglected to act in their appointed time. Either of which being similar to the already "barren tree"  alluded to within Luke.

       The themes of combativeness towards authorities extend in Luke, but using a different literary method, and using a slightly different character-cloak for Jesus. Luke is more known for seeing Jesus as the Savior/Prophet, i.e. a social/religious ruler-- one bringing social change by pointing out the faults within the authorizes of the larger system. The mirroring of Jesus’s heart for the excluded is portrayed here within his softer approach to the fruitless tree more thoroughly than the other two readings, but  yet the section prior to this parable is labeled the "Repenting and Perishing" of those who do not repent, particularly those in a place of governance. The theme of hospitality towards all resides, yet the warning to repent covers all disciples and authority figures alike.

        With the Gospel of Matthew, authority is given to Jesus and only Jesus as this Jewish-centric gospel gives Jesus the titles of Messiah and Teacher. Streams of prioritizing righteousness,  faith, and relinquishing of doubt press the reader of this book. The direct version of the fig tale is said to be the only one of Jesus' cursing miracles within the this gospel and is suggested to foretell the falling of the temple, and in turn the nation of Israel.  The language used pumps the audience with assurance of Jesus as authority and the true teacher, for cursing in this culture would have been seen possible only by a person with divine right, pointing to Jesus' pure loyalty to God being that which enables him to do such an act (Brown, 112).

Reading through the structural set up of the gospels, viewing the verses and sections preceding and proceeding the verses at focus, reveal some of major differences of the character type of Jesus attempting to be portrayed by the authors of each gospel, and the foreshadowing/messages Jesus was trying to give to the people of the time.

My mystical find-a-divine-message-from-God-anywhere-loving self enjoys  God's kairos revealed through most sacred  and ancient texts, as many might, but I recognize by reading around the scriptures only broadens the interpretation and understanding of that cosmic message bestowed upon me.

So, dig in, my friends!
It will expose the seeds,
which inevitably bares more fruit!

And if you can't find any fruit on the trees,
don't worry, you have the power to move mountains, so I'm sure you would have the power to turn that mountain into food--or in the least the capacity to make yourself not feeling hungry.
Those would be some more verses that follow,  but now is not the divine time!

Happy Gray Days, Loved ones!

In case you can't tell, this was the sky Friday and the days shy of!
Its almost like an impenetrable blanket hiding the sun.

I actually really don't mind
the spontaneous dreariness.

Reminds me of my Northwest home.

And then makes me miss it.


Then I think about how much I simultaneously hated it once the few initial mystical months wore off.

  Weird how I look back on life with those rose colored lenses so easily--
not that this is the case always, or that I am in a place of wishing I was back there now,  or that I am always living in whatever "Glory days" I think I had,  but I do have my moments.  And those moments, I see are related to my ways of attaching in life.

I've been stewing in ideas around attachment
over the last two weeks.
Oh course the same weeks I boil in my own thoughts about relationships,
we would be going over Attachment Theory in Group Psych,
and Buddhism
and Taoism within World Religions! 
Religions all about
relinquishing desire,
impermanence,
and non-attachment!

So Attachment Theory:
An idea that says we all have our different ideas and manifestations on how relationships "should" function. and we cling to it.
I suppose this would be no different on how I also think life "should" function too.

The theory goes that humans there are 4 different forms of attachment, and we all have at least one of the three insecure forms of these, if not some form of each within various situations which come about in our life.

I wont go into them all right now, but Preoccupied attachment is the one that rings true for myself in most relational and life ideal scenarios:

- Constantly measuring what is with what was  (perceived positives and
    negatives)
- Frequently glorifying previous experiences/relationships
- Daydreaming about what was or even what wasn't
- "Checking the temperature" ,as my instructor would say, of the relationship or life situation continuously. (i.e. "Are you doing ok?" Are we doing ok?" Am I doing ok? "Am I good?" Am I bad? "Is he ok?"Are we ok?" How can I make this ok?" That! What I just did! That might make this not ok!")

See why preoccupied is appropriately titled?  :]
This way of attaching does not leave much for much else.

We miss the whole reality of what or who is actually at hand, and the majority of the other relationships and the Whole Manifest Reality itself through
lusting over losses and the fears that spring from losses,
doing mostly anything to chase after the preoccupation of our choice,
and not staying present with what is,
because what we think is, constantly overtakes the mind and therefore conducts the way we engage our relationships and our world.

Yes, preoccupation is the warned against, but don't neglect your lover now!
The Master does not warn against the Tao within the form of love or,
luckily for us and the past few days, those clouds...

Waft with me, my friends?
Or at least keep reminding me to do so--
I might be preoccupied :P

xo

This is what my friend and I asked our Group Psych course the other day when we were co-leading group.

Some of what we heard:



Boobs,
Hope,
Chaos,
Soap/Cleansing,
Muck,
Instability,
Spines,
Engines,
Stomach issues,
Peace,
Anxiety,
Scarcity,
Frustration,
Rising from the messes,
Just a plain mess,
Feeling bare,
Feeling naked,
and why even try to by pass the Phallic reference?      
                                                                                                        ;} 

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.      A LOT!
How much of what I see is actually reality, and how much of the person,
the situation,
the object,
the sculpture in front of me
is really acting as my movie screen for the intrapsychic film  that is playing from my inside.

When am I being a walking projector of my past harms,
and fears,
and victories?--
and present tense should be added too.

I picture myself facing a engaging with a loved one, or stranger, or acquaintance, and imagine, just as though they were standing in front of the lens of a reeling movie --I can still see them, but there is a thin layer of an active, relatable, but not-entirely-relative story playing over top-- and my eyes are that lens from which that story comes.

While I do believe in the vastness of human capacity, and that it is possible to be completely void of any subjective opinions--though that's probably more likely for an actively practicing Buddha, lets be real ---
due to the thick thick layers of our defense mechanisms which have buildt up and there ever  continuation of them  doing so,
I believe its quite enough to start where I am.

By knowing the film is rolling,
watching it,
and reminding myself that this person,
situation,
object,
sculpture,
is not the stomach ache I had at lunch,
or mess that I am rising from,
or the emotionally naked I feel,
or what hope I have.

Yet, how can I still honor that real life stuff that is living inside me which is coming out?
How can I detach from my story, to honor the objective?
                                                       
                                         Oh, attachment and detachment is a whole different post.

Love you guys!
Be real, but not too reel ;D :::wahhwahhhhh:::

Hi Friends,

I was walking through Holiday Park last Friday after one of the longest weeks I've felt the strains of in awhile,



& I saw these guys...

I could not help but feel the sameness.

All the weight on my head, 
all the tired in my muscles,
all the exhaustion on my face.

It was exam week....
I must say, I was worried I might die from sleep deprivation --
I don't think I remember my eyes being so bloodshot in so long!
So much to do!
to adsorb!
& far too much to distract myself with...  
                                                                                oh the ease of procrastination.
I like to think that the time of procrastination was the time well spent of taking the lessons of the classroom to everyday life application. 

Despite the running around like a crazy person--in body, mind, and/or spirit for about 168 hours of my life -- I take refuge in the masses of self/existential comprehension bestowed upon me in such a time, no matter how much more it might have added to the crazy making...

Part of my mind running was not out of concerns for my academic achievement as much as  it was consumed with my thoughts about my longing for academic achievement and/or personal perfection/fear of rejection...

I would keep myself up at night with these thoughts more than I would with what grade I was to get on the test. I must have I thought about starting --at least-- 5 others postings, with  about 10 other topics cycling through (relationships like water,  the rush, acceptance(?), working with that flow of life, the personification of emotions, we are form and spirit of something, perfectionism; the list could go on....).

Much like last weeks bleep about the frames, without the frame work of this school, I would not be observing the fears within. The more I am in conflict -- the more growth emerges.

Growth is not in-spite of the pressures, its because of.

The more shared experiences with my follow human --
be them over the stress of exams,
long projects,
or pondering on love--of self, others, God--
the more I realize I'm not alone in my proverbial holding of stones.

Without the weight to bear, sadly, I see where for me, my motivation to seek or to find solace in companionship would be lesser. This displays that both our joy and sorrow are never mutually exclusive. There is a hypothetical unwavering partnership among what-feels-like-blessings and what-feels-like-curses.
They are a team for one's personal exploration. And within experiencing their kinship in my own game-of-personal-questing, I am reminded how that only in building my own team of relationships, can I more readily and wholly play with that conceptual yin/yang of highs and lows.

I could attempt to tie this all into my much more of my of my thoughts from this last week, more of my studies from Buddhism this week, but if you cannot tell, my brain is still fried a bit from the intellectual and emotional explosions. The theoretical weight  can be lifted, but doesn't mean the stones are still heavy, come on now!

Until soon:
build those teams,
bear those stones--there is light behind them, and others beside you--
remember, all is the same; all will pass.  

love you.

Did you see the sun the other day!?!

--I knows, shes around a lot more now, but--
Did you see her?!
Did you feel her!?
(Indianapolis friends, I'm talking to you, at least)...
Ah, she was like a blanket!!!

I felt like she was reaching for me.

Gripping me tight
and pulling me in.
(Her arms! Do you see them?!) <<
I felt swallowed almost.
(I'm in part a sun worshiper if you couldn't tell..)

Spring!!!  
You bring out the romantic in me!
Everything is to be sensed!
My cells feel full of light,
and wind,
and peace...          ahhh..
And the Wind!!
The air feels  like God breathing on me....

Even if you are not one my Hoosier loves, I'm sure you can appreciate the feelings induced by beautiful weather emerging after a very shadowy season.

dark & icy crept back in.
                                  --I didn't even take a picture of the snow that fell--                        

But, my sun high will not be waved!
She was alive!
I saw her!
I felt her!
Bright and powerful,
and while, yes, she might have gone into hiding again,
She is coming!
She is arriving!
In lieu of the reminder that, yes indeed, the sun does still exists --
makes me think again of the life and degree of  my own light,
my power,
my potential--
to glow,
to give warmth,

to go into hiding ..

( Not gonna lie,  it doesn't hurt that"potential" is the topic for one of the local publications' next topic of submissions  & I'm feeling curiously allured to participate in!--ergo "potential" is a hard one to get out of the brain in that case too :] *Maybe a version of this'll be the one!*)   
I digress...

With the whole grad-school/create-my-own-vocation thing, & the small risks with my writing, I wonder what my capacity for greatness (and failure) are in these areas of pull.

What is my  potential as an artist,
a writer,
a therapist,
a healer,
a spiritual director,
a lover?
(and no, not a "lover" in the romantic sense, but a lover of the world, of earth, of people, of God, of self- the people I pass by,
the friends I live with,
the friends and family I do not live with,
the significant other --out there somewhere,
the body in the mirror I scrutinize,
the earth I walk on
- and take from...)

I think the greater question lies in what is the risk of being anything other than a lover.

I chant, "Purpose! Purpose! Show me my Purpose!!! --AND in its abundant capacity!",  yet forget I have my purpose
--   as    do    we    all    --  which is the call to love .
The work of doing so being the most vital of all human occupation,
completely credibility free.

Cause truly, what would being any other title really matter if compassion and warmth were not embedded in the role's makeup, or -- in the very least --the outcomes of  the services' actions? Peel away all vocations, certifications, etc...and what is left?  What is a worthy basis of wanting to excel at all other modes of being, if to cultivate a more loving world is not the goal? )

I can't help but to think of how & why I distract myself from that fullest state of love & the other manifestations of it.  A dear friend recently lettered to me the idea, "I think sometimes we fear being shaped into the form our dreams demand, or (worse) that we are inadequate to the demands of that form."

Fears,
Feelings of inadequacy--
are they part of what leads us to that lesser potential or is that darker state itself?

A broadcast I heard recently reminded me the union that is our lowest & our highest.  These "short comings" of ours--
the "fears",
our"struggles"-- are our lives greatest victories to be revealed.
They are, as the guest spoke, not problems to be solved,
but "the trail of crumbs" leading us back to our purpose.

The psychoanalysis school of thought speaks of this revaluation in the language of frames and boundaries (from how I took it in class at least!). Boundaries set a type of structure from therapist to client -- time, money, confidentiality--  all being attempts to be reliability to the patient, to keep one respected, to create safety, 
but to also have a line for the patient to push against.
                                                                                                 An edge is our lens to perspective...
How  we push up against something --or not-- and the motives behind them,
all hold information about ourselves. And this information (neither good or bad) , our acknowledgement of the information, and what we chose to do with it, all assist us in the process of surfacing the freest form of Self --
to glow,
to give warmth,
to chose not to hide.

Because even when the sun is "hiding", we know she always exists--
behind some clouds;
buried from our line of sight (whether tucked into some trees, or the other side of the world, but even then she still warms whole continents and is reflected to us the moon). 

Same with our greatest potential --to love and all other roles which branch off of that core calling-- its always present;
always shining.

So may we be grateful for the moments of cloud cover,
of soul darkness,
of all those "problems", distractions, addictions--
I'm seeing they are channels to our greatness.

Have a many a Sun Highs, my loves!

Ahh, the bare.....  
Ahh, the prickly.....    

   I feel you, my tree friends....
I've been experiencing the sharp, dry, unfruitful..

Its part of the cycle-- to die, or feel dead that is-- right?
To be stripped..
to feel hollow...
to ache for rebirth.

We are talking about Hinduism currently in World Religions.
Its a beautiful thing.
Samsara --the cycle of life, death and rebirth-- was one of our topics this week, appropriately enough. No matter your stance on reincarnation, how often do we replay destructive, stagnant and revitalizing stages in this life?

Here lies my current struggle.

The last few months, I've been finding myself  living old attitudes, habits, mindsets and, all in all, a  lifestyle I thought I had --for at least a decent amount of time-- overcome.

My shower water yesterday evening well represented my current state...

No matter how evenly I placed the handles to find a fitting temperature, I found myself being scorched or frozen--only for the first minutes though (lets hope that relatively short amount of time is representative of a short lived lapse of judgement/character). What better picture for my life, God! One of my cycles is living in on the extremes. Its an attempting to find balance, but converged into a more macro span of time of unbalanced living:
feast/famine
social butterfly/total solitude
homework junky/procrastinator supreme
completely confident self/completely insecure self
passion heavy/mehhhh....
absolute self love/crippling self loathing
(well, the self love is a little trimmer on that scale most of the time, sadly!)

I can see the campaign now: "Extremes for Balance!" sensible, right?! ::sarcasm:: ;] ?
Neither burning or freezing feels very good...
These are just one of my many spinning entrapments....

There is hope though,
there always is...
even if for now the hope is in the rebirth-or-sustained-life-two-thirds-of-the-whole cycle, if not the complete liberation from the cycle itself
(the complete liberation is known as moksha, by the way).

A friend counseled me some today, and mentioned how states of balance--while can be found & is a nice little breathing space from time to time--is a state properly short lived. The lessons we need come from  the awareness of imbalance & practicing the acts towards balancing...

Like one of my new soul sisters & I spoke of a few week ago,
the cycle sometimes is less of a circle than it is an upwards spiral.
We live these lessons over, but with greater understanding then then the former. And we usually relive them, because we have not learned what to do differently to set ourselves free yet, but we are a step closer.

"There is nothing that does not come from him. Of everything he is the inmost Self. He is the truth; he is the Self supreme...It is everywhere, though we see it not. Just so, dear one, the Self is everywhere, within all things, although we see him not... You are that..you are that." 
- Chandogya Upanishad

Another aspect of liberation of the soul for Hindus is the realization we are
not separate from God,
Spirit,
Brahman.

Thinking of God as part of the cycle, and that we ourselves are part of God, makes it more palatable for me to accept the versions of Samsara in my life and the versions of myself I find within them.

So, my friends, tree and beyond,
I hope to ingrain into my life practice the reality that the degree in which I love and take care of myself, is the degree in which I love and take care of God and all others.

No matter how dead our leaves,or externally brittle we might feel,
may we remember we are not separated from the keeper of our hope.

So cheers to the breaking of cycles!!!--or breaking through the stages of the cycles with grace and personal evolution-- or just having an awareness of the chaotic upward mobility...

In the words of the lovely Robin Pecknold,
"I'll come back to you someday soon my[S]elf"...

xo

 Yes, intellectually, CTS' got some vigor!!!
But the psycho/social/emotional side of this very holistic endeavor, Wooooooo! It leaves my insides feeling a little more like all of my open books sprawled across the floor in all their exposure!

Between learning about the culture of tribalism mindsets/economic chasms of my New Testament times course,
to the communal customs saturated with submission to God these traditions have within World Religions,
to the philosophizing morality in Psychology and Assessment ,
to the discussions over healing through the mirroring of each others pains and victories and then attempting to act this out in the pain-strikingly petrifying  practice of this within Group Psychotherapy,  my mind and senses are on OVERLOAD!

Conviction,
Ecstasy,
Sorrow,
Anger,
Fear,
Awe,
Self-doubt,
Enthrallment!

For good or bad,
So many thoughts, actions, habits of my childhood, adolescence, college years, and beyond are re-surfacing...
So many of my passions in me are bubbling...
The blessing is that I recognize these reactions--internal or external-- and I continue to be watchful, but
so much discipline and putting in the practice in balancing this new life pace and all the convictions which come with them are needed-- where the intermittent comedies are needed for the heart to re-energize and get a little light again :] (& the blogging helps too!). 

So I promise to be on here more frequently, friends, because I sure need the ventilation and especially so I can go more in depth with some of these life lessons more specifically, but for now,

I'll leave you with one!...

The implementation of one of my personal goals for New Testament, to all my course & soon, life...

Practice the integration of my academic, reflective and artistically expressive skill set within coursework so to tailor an academic experience more in accordance with my own enrichment and a not solely for production, for grade, or professor.

I 'm making this Master's Program more my own, and using the work and time as an experiment in my life's journey than a cosmetic to another cookie cutter existence. This picture is of my quick drawing our Psych and Assessment professor asked of us-- to draw our conscience & explain what we think it is. My first instinct was one I've been conditioned to all my life,

"Do what you think he wants you to do you to do".

My hand wouldn't have it though, accompanied by that feeling of heart, and quickly followed by one of those little internal voice --the conscience one might say?! :]-- whispering,

"Why don't you create how you usually create, Bre!?"

It all made sense.
And only continues to...

Yes, this is an act of loving myself.
New Testament told us that in the Greek,
the word "love" derives from the world "loyalty".
Oh, how different would it be, if I were loyal to who I really am....

Love you all
(I hope I'm loyal to you all too)...
xo

Hey My Loves,

God,  its been a week! First week of classes and already feel like I'm spilling with inspiration
and fear
and excitement
and then some.

The next few months--years really-- are going to be significant and change me,
I can feel it. Or as my new friend Christine mentioned, in the language of Richard Rohr, "Peel aways the layers of my false self to my true self". 

Not that my passed few years have not been impactful toward my development, but the past year or so has been more a waiting game, stagnate energy chained to a piles of passions, but no outlet -- or not the most life giving outlets at least.

I've really been more and more convicted, even in the days prior to the decision of Grad School, of how I am really living out the changes I want to see.

I still am not living up to many of these areas, but there are at least some changes being made...

Today I have taken one step -- small as I think it might be-- to write the House Members about my hopes for HJR-3 to be denied. Gandhi would say we cannot be religious without being involved in politics, and with my gravitation to Dorothy Day, the current Pope, and reflections on MLK as of late, I see where this calling for social involvement is necessary for my own spiritual thriving.

Even sharing my own stance in a public domain seems a little nerve racking for me as my natural counselor within me --going to school for mental health counseling -- wishes to stand on neutral ground, so to make anyone of any opinion have a feeling of unbiased safety in my presence. But I felt a need to stand for all my brothers and sister of this world and this issue of Civil Rights we are facing currently.

Enjoy the note -- as religiously peppered as it is ;P!  I will start writing more about the excitement of all the firecrackers going off in my head & heart that are crashing into one another that is my experience of CTS & its application to real life soon enough!
Ok, now for poetry reading &
followed by lots of reading for school,
Love to you all...

 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

My Dear House Member,

    Peace to you in this time of intensity arising within our "small-town" state. I hope you are able to balance your life with all the pressures of the demands of your work and the people.

 As a fairly new member of the Indianapolis community, I wanted to share with you the pride I have taken in our city, and my concern for the great need there is to work towards solidarity within the residence of her home state. Within the last two years, I have witnessed and been involved with really passionate individuals and groups of people dedicated to creating a creative, sustainable, and culturally diverse city. I have lived out out in the progressive west, where such ways of life have moved from a privilege to a right for their people. Still, with such societal advancements, their neighborliness pales in comparison to our Hoosier hospitality of this land. The warmth, generosity, playfulness, and attention our people give to one another abounds when measured to the timidity of interpersonal relationship of other cities.

       I plead with you, to regard this familiar quality of our home base as nothing short of vital for magnetizing people to this state, keeping others here, and taking best care of those who are. At this time in our world, what people are seeking most through all of the conscious actions within ecological and expressive ways of living is attempting to nourish our core desires as humans to  love and contribute something greater than our individual selves . I believe HJR-3, if passed, will only give Indiana the reputation as a hypocrite to the entire country, and if you believe, the eyes of God. While I believe all religions have this message of acceptance to learn from, if you are influenced at all by the Christian perspective, please regard the knowledge that Christ was recorded as being an advocate for the poor, the oppressed, and the outcasts of his time and of all generations as he was one himself. He believed in one human family and the rights all of us have as children of God. Christ would have been on the side of objection for a law such as this to be passed, knowing the harm induced to another, he would induce on himself.

   I believe if you choose to reject HJR, you will be standing on the side of the light of hope and inclusivity at the real heart of the of people in this state --and in this country--as I have come to find true --not on the side of enabling popularity for a campaign for future monetary support. Please pray about choosing what is just, as many of the great change agents of the world have done--Gandhi, King, Christ-- not what is popular or engrained within your own cultural belief system.  In the spirit of St. Francis, we are on this earth and for a short time to choose to love and not hate; pardon, not injure; faith, not doubt; to hope, not despair; to contribute light, not darkness; joy, not sadness.

      We will not despair, those us on the side of civil rights, no matter what the vote maybe. We will continue to spread light, and continuously ask for you to join us. Look within yourself, and extend to all your humanly brothers and sisters-- of all race, religion, sexuality, and social status-- the love and respect you would wish to have given to you and to those you love.

    I cannot imagine what stresses you all are going through in your attempts of making the decisions you are and within seeking fairness for all in a pool of so many differing stances of citizens, but know we are praying for you and for equality we all deserve.

My sincerest peace to you all,

Bre A. Domescik
Concerned Global Citizen
 

Happy Snow Day Everyone!!! 
Getting crazy over here in Indy!
Hoping you all are warm and safe!

Hope the Christmas & New Years season has been slow and lovely too!
In my slow moments of the last few weeks I have been thinking a bit about my own not so lovely times where there has been some coldness of my heart...

 I was watching a brief commentary on “A Christmas Carol” one evening last week, and when listening to the themes of the tail I could not help but to think of the own belief system and how I would or would not live up to the expectations of ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future.

The beauty about stories is we can weave ourselves into the people on the screen or in the pages,
even some of the most shadowy of characters.
Growing a little older, not only the little girl simply spectating Christmas specials all December long, I see the greater necessity of linking ourselves firstly with those darker characters as they show us the character defects within ourselves-- the areas I would rather not show to the world or believe to be true about myself,
the parts I do not even recognize.

The Sufi Mystic Llewellyn Vaughn-Lee speaks on necessity of inner work – practicing the of balancing our goodness, love, light, and divine nature with our more feeble nature gravitating towards anger, jealousy, greed, etc...  and how the balanced life can only be done through psychological practices and deeply facing our dark side. 

“That is the groundwork of spiritual life”. 

Being that little girl watching the Scrooge infused Christmas specials, I remember being very inspired by the morals of those movies, realizing I did not want to be the one haunted like Ebenezer and rather learning by his example of what not to do. Quite a few Christmas down the road, and billions of unimpressive, hollow, and self-seeking moments since—I even had a many over this year’s Christmas trip too--but I see where the ways of a one Mr. Scoorge are no different than the ways of my own.

Greed, no matter what its fear based manifestation, is always identical at the root.  The greed within the hearts of the people at the top one percent of financial wealth is the same greed of my own.

For me, my particularities in food, well stalked savings account, and a surplus packing job for things like Christmas trips --all this chaotic preparedness-- does not always point towards a trust in a power greater than myself to provide.

“Do not worry about your life, what you will eat, what you will drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air; and they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life?” (Christian Scripture, Matthew 25-27)

Do your best, and all will be provided for is what I see again and again in holy messages and what resonates to be true in my spirit and my experiences.

Because truly,
our fears and their fruits
--those shadowy actions of our deeper darknesses--
condenses to the even greater spiritual offense of distrust in the powers of
God,
our neighbors,
and ourselves.  

Peter Maurin, assured his co-founder of The Catholic Worker, Dorothy Day, when in question of their fiscal ability to publish their newspaper and support their communities of hospitality that,
"Capital is raised by prayer. God sends you what you need when you need it.
You will be able to pay the printer. Just read the lives of the saints."

May we continue the difficult journey of trusting that we are cosmically cared for, the journey of parsing through our own darknesses, and acknowledging
the light within all. You never know when a Scrooge will see his ghosts, or maybe we will be given the opportunity as a living spirit of perspective to one of them, or our Ebenezer within…

Stay warm boos,
xo

Hey Loved Ones,

Happy Holidays! Hope you are staying warm and enjoying whatever fluff and slush and frost you might be getting!

Epiphany!
I have cracked the secret of the magic of winter weather!!!
The snow,
SHE IS SO SLOW! She is so gentle!
Watching her in motion reminds me how much prettier life is
when I also function at that same pace.
And she has been asking me to slow down in many forms..
Practically speaking, it took me an hour for a typical 1/2 hour travel yestrday,
Internally speaking, the bell tolls, "contemplation needed".

There is a lot of irony in that realization for me presently, because my measured approach to life has fervently picked up speed by receiving some
early celestial Christmas presents...

This girl unexpectedly got a full timer!
I assist a teacher (& maybe potentially instruct art?) at a Montessori School in a town north. My grown up opportunity is probably only going to be short lived, as cosmic gift #2 arrived in the mail just after Thanksgiving. I received an 80% scholarship from Christian Theological Seminary for  Mental Health Counseling, meaning Grad School in the spring! Christmas Miracles right?!?

As invigorating as these new adventures are, getting to--yet again--gain new skills in an area of intrigue & start on an academic path which is creeping me closer to my vocation, I have been feeling a little overwhelmed, intimidated, and disappointed in someways by the illusions of this "adult-life" as I pretty much expected.

I have been surprised how much I thought getting a full time position would assist with feeling a greater sense of stability in life, and while there is some truth in that, the figurative board I  balance on shakes still...

Before I was willing on good faith and the trusty savings for extra support, and now with having focal of a very specific income, everything I go to purchase or invest in converts into that calculation, "Now how many work hours does this take to pay for?".

I know, I know, adult stuff, Bre -- its called a budget.

Maybe I am feeling a little idealistic--go figure-- but I would imagine if I am working within a place I feel destined to in the long term, that "time=money" equation would convert into the more essential fact that "time=opportunity to chose love" and how I do or do not embodied that. 

While I know I have my own ideas in motion for contributing meaningfully to my part of the world, seeing people who do decide to live a life of  unabashedly giving their time, talents, attention to those most in need (like this guys) make me wonder if I am going to regret choosing a life of side jobs, random full-timers, and classrooms occupation to support a way of life & some unconventional ideals. 

The Charity of the Christmas season only seems to reinforce these questions and my pull towards working with those forgotten...

All the talk of the Pope in the news, with his passions against capitalism and responsibility for helping all,
especially those most lonely and neglected;
there,
there I find one of those great fires within me, summoning me to the kind of life where I would choose to share myself wholly for and with others,
and recognize I  have not been living in such a way.

The search for meaning in my places of work sink me again into those feelings of renunciation which I have mentioned emerge frequently.

Still, I don't quite feel the assertion to take on a sister's habit
or a monk's baldness,
or Gandhi's waistline,
Or to abandon my roommates
and heirlooms,
but
I am dedicated to my own discernment process, and Mother Teresa's commission to find my own Calcutta, before I go running a stranger to a third world country, or a monastery, or another/ my own seminary for the full seminarian training.

Here's to finding the meaning & blessings in the work which is presented to me now & in continuing to formulate that vocation out of my passions, as I understand them at this time: art, contemplation, the poor in spirit, and the excluded; in my current first world country, state, community, family,
(which needs for love and attention is greatly needed here in their own ways)
,while taking some  master's courses too :]

Be patient as the snow is patient, I hear...

Love you all!
Merry Christmas!