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This creative and conversational memoir style of blogging is embellished with photographs, sprightly texts, and gentle listening features. May these entries be as cathartic to read & to hear as they have been to conceive & to share. xo
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You all the know Meyers Brigg Personality Typing (the inventory that speaks to if you function primarily introverted or extroverted, sensory or intuitive, thinking vs. feeling, judging vs. perceiving)? Dependent on the year, or hour or minute rather, mine changes. This is true for most of us, I feel. < FEELER ALERT ;] I have been settling into the possibility that I might be a judger living more a preserver’s life. If you are unsure what this looks like, J’s-- as they call ‘em-- are typically more “type A” people. Lists!-Concrete!-Black!-White! kind of persons. P’s are more ```` fluid. Thinking of myself as not a person “to go with the flow” seems laughable :] But getting into the habit of being a little more intentional with my days, and being surprised by a little more rituals sinking in; pondering how I want my life to form, who I really am, how I can let her out, I find myself craving more drawn out moment’s structure --with a lot of room for movement within. I think what the Meyer’s Brigg is attempting get across is to reveal how we best function as an individual. And clearly my past few years of reaction based living hasn’t left me in the most thriving of mind spaces as of late. Too heavy on the concrete ways of living have not either. As the Buddha, the middle route is to be sought. And a more ritualistic way of living is called for my balancing act. No wonder I am so drawn to religion and the various patterns of persons’ spiritual living. I am beginning to see the holiness in a more ordered way of living; And that this life is more about how we are to discover our own peace inducing rituals, whatever they might be. Many routines are born out with specific intention behind them --whether that specific expression of sanctity stays with the person as their practice habituates is a different story ( & remember, its never too late to change). Thinking up and setting out to creating sacred space and to revere the sanctity of moments again in my life allows for a feeling of fullness… I find myself attempting to reveal the intention in even the little routines more and more now (as that feeling of aliveness is almost addicting), i.e. Changing my clothes before bed; brushing my teeth. Acknowledging that I am there, and when needing the reminder, that I am doing that act out of love for myself, the act itself, and all those who have and will ever be a part of me. Realizing when I am not there, not appreciating wholly what act I am participating in, my mind is starting to get accustomed to pinning that act/thought of disengagement and graciously asking, “Why? Why be anywhere else?” which usually quickly taking me back into the meditation of the moment. Why do I want to be anywhere else? When I think of what it’s like to think of something--countless somethings!-- while doing something not on the list one of somethings I’m thinking about… Chaos, right? I feel there is an increasing need in our generation, and maybe even broader social spectrum, for finding our sacred spaces: mind, body, soul, environment... setting apart every thought and action for the sake of a peace of mind and peace of others. At the art show I did the other night, I realized a theme in my set up pattern, unconsciously induced. There is an element of sacred space to them…  It often takes a hell of a lot of stress to get it there,  But I believe that this is a part of my longing for sanctuary I have not been the best at giving myself or others, to the degree in which I pray to; a part of my inner self letting herself out… Here’s to finding that sacred space in all its forms,  Whether it takes more discipline to get there, or less, if you are unlike me…
& Yes, these ashes will be going into my next project :} Hey Guys,
As I sit here typing, I’m getting a little weepy eyed. Don’t worry, don’t worry. Crying -- it’s actually a really good thing! For me, right now, at this moment, crying is a good thing; even when it is induced by what most of us would typically categorize as “negative emotions”. It’s a great thing. I have been in this hunt the last few weeks to change some aspects of my life, my behaviors, my character that I’ve not been so attracted to. My life has started feeling a little chaotic, and a series of encounters –one by one-- inched my metaphorical eye open to some of the not-so-pretty issues I have let percolate inside. Was only a matter of time before the dysfunction with-out was to externally match the dysfunction within. Or did it all along, I just was just too distracted to notice… Loads of irony here --maybe even unintended hypocrisy this seems-- because I am a “feeler”! In all senses of the word. . . Physical touch wins as my top love language, my face can’t help to inflate or deflate along with the vibrations of a conversation, I want to experience the moments I’m in; breathing in the scent of the wind, acknowledging the way it feels wrapping around and through my arms, paying attention to how it moves my hair across my cheek and how that feels like tickling. Heck, I even think in emotion (though usually heavily filtered through my own Brita-of-Logic prior to exiting ;]), Most of my family and good friends know I’m not a crier. And Most of my life I didn’t know why. Even with my fascination with the emotional and sensory world, I thought I was born with malfunctioning tear ducks, a stubborn will, and a couple major life events that proved the former reasonings invalid for a short time. Truth be known, I have done almost all in my power, almost all of my life to keep myself from expressing those “negative emotions”. I have sought comforts and busyness, gave into my own addictions, found whatever I could to obsess about, laugh about, or however I could distract myself from spending time with my sorrows, and allowing them the stage they deserved. A few friends of mine have spent some significant time on monastic retreats; days and full of long hours of strict meditation, sitting sometimes 8 hours at a time, with nothing but themselves. No busyness. No comforts. Just the distractions of their own thoughts, which provoke all the feelings –good and bad—attached to those thoughts, and their observations of all this happening. I feel as though like I’m walking cross-legged, unmoving on my pillow, unnervingly far from all my busyness, my comforts… Consciously attempting to move away from these empty comforts I have observed, The busyness The obsessions, The distractions, Yes, I cry more--more than probably I ever cried in a week’s time in my life-- but I feel more… In all senses of the word... I’ve started the very long, difficult --but as we all know-- most fulfilling journey towards actively paying attention to those feelings as I begin paying attention to me: when am I obsessing, or reaching for a snack when I’m not hungry, or busying myself? Why? All the pain, and shame, and regret I’ve tucked into me has finally convinced me to build a safe haven for them on the outside also. They deserve to feel the wind too. And I deserve to feel whole, and human. Here’s to letting out what is inside of ourselves, In all the most fulfilling ways possible. Love you all. If my food, my meals, were my lovers & not simply in the eating to "attempting-to-fill-my-relational-hole" expression, but food became personified; a lover, a friend, a stranger, the relationship with my mother or father, or brother, Self. What would this say about my actions in relationship? Am I taking too much? Am I savoring too little? Am I choosing what is the best for me --as I understand 'best' at this time-- or Am I settling with how much and whatever is put in front of me? Am I addicted to choosing what is not the healthiest for me & do I believe that this can change? Am I really giving him the attention he deserves? (Am I constantly eyeing my phone, or working on the computer while in your presence without concern or informing?) Am I turning from what I do not want to believe? Am I working to make things better for me, for us, or am I content with the taste of mediocrity? Do I trust that he will be enough? Do I trust I will be taken care of? Do I expect too much of him? All this and only more I can imagine... What if the way I eat and what I eat is directly correlated to how I love others; how I love myself? How do I expect to treat a partner with the love and affection I so hope to, if I do not give the same quality of love and affection to the substances I spend a significant portion of my lifetime with? The more tender I treat my meals, the more tender I treat others/ self. The more thought into choosing my food, the more thought goes into choosing my company. The more aware I am with the flavors on my folk, The more aware I am of the essence of the beings who I walk with in this life. The more present I am with my the status of my stomach, The more present I am with others/ self. At least I would imagine these are some of the formulas hold true for me... I think its time to change my bouts of mindless eating, & of what I am eating -- while I have come to believe in a more holistic way of living the last few years, I have not been living too closely to an ideal balance this last year. Here's to taking steps to making changes, praying for these changes to occur through me -- physically, mentally, spiritually, and otherwise -- for the sake of a greater version of self & of all others. All the love & whatever is the 'best' to you too.. xox 9/25/2013 Spirit, Spirit Everywhere!!Friends, You've heard the saying, "follow your bliss", yeah!? Been trying to "follow my bliss" the last couple years, of course with some hang ups of compromising my internal pulls with falling into what I believe society would have me do to be a contributing citizen, or how I think I should make my family proud, or how I can be independent with still being the change I want to see in the world. I'm ashamed to say, that saying no to one and yes to another is not always simultaneous. Sadly its seemed easier to say no to the structure of capitalism then it is to say yes to, and act on, that still small voice within me... While I've been ashamed of some fear and lack of motivation on seeking out a monetarily self-sustaining structured job of the cookie cutter sort as I attempt to figure out what pursuing my own form of making a living while living my purpose, there have been many spiritually self-sustaining practices I'm not ashamed of pursuing, especially within this last week... From starting out most of my mornings with chanting with some of the most beautiful souls I know; to rejoicing with my feet to a Sigur Ros show (a blessing of a kind hearted security guard with a weakness to making people happy - especially the lady folk ;] ) ; 
to meditation courses & assuring message services from some of my frequented faith communities; evenings of solitude with the near full moon and full moon on the grass by the canal; 
to my first sweat lodge experience this weekend (which is still difficult to explain its tremendous impact on me *but I will try my best in a later blog*), not to mention all the amazing people I have been able to surround myself with this past week.... 
An overwhelming sense of praise is erupting in me, but along with the internal praise I'm experience tremendous internal foundational cracking.... My chanting sisters yesterday morning were talking how we see our personal muck emerging; all those character flaws, which we are not proud of as we ourselves are emerge. The same man that is known for stating, "follow your bliss" also says, "...Here we are between criticism and love...It is the faults that distinguish us from each other, but its the faults that make us human. Who loves perfection? The Buddhas are perfect so they don't come back. They don't become reincarnated; imperfection is life. Do you love life? You love the imperfection...You name the negative and with it, you bring the positive in; this is life". (Listening to Joseph Campbell has been great nourishment as well this week). I like to summarize that idea prior as the foundation of compassion. Being able to see the negative and showing understanding and grace amidst. I am not perfect, and I can do much better to myself, my life, and others than I have been, but sometimes failing and living the failings are the teachers themselves. No wonder I drew a rune on personal acceptance yesterday - yep, a friend had me try that spiritual practice too ;] I wonder if much of this new vision and experiences is brought about due to this time of year. Autumn remains reliable for a season of major change for me. My soul seems to want to follow suit with the decaying of the land with all its beauty, exhilaration, and scariness of what is to come, all in sync. Happy Fall, all you amazing humans out there!
Remember, Life = Imperfection, Perfection = Death! (Maybe that is why fall is so glorious!)
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